*Trigger Warning* World Suicide Prevention Day, Week, Month.

No one really reads my blog, I think. So, I’m just going to speak into the void for now.

This past week has been…long. Not just for myself, but everyone that is in my life. I feel like I caused a lot of chaos and I do not want to do that anymore.

Last Saturday, one week ago today, I was alone with my thoughts in my bed. I was in the mindset where nothing can really make you think differently than what you already think of yourself. I held a handful of ibuprofen. I was close. I have not been that close in years. I was scared of myself.

Crying out for help is hard. It is so incredibly hard and scary. There’s a part of you that knows that you should but there’s another part of yourself that is screaming to just do it. It says to you, “You don’t matter. No one would actually care.”

It’s so hard to talk yourself out of it. It’s hard to hear how selfish those thoughts are or how selfish it is to just want an out and leave those in my wake to suffer and hurt.

I tried reaching out to talk to people and also voice how I was feeling but I couldn’t for once in my life. I was afraid of myself. It’s usually easy for me to mention so that I can get the thought out of my head. But come Sunday, come Monday, and Tuesday— they were worsening. It was all I was thinking about. It was all I wanted to do. I just did not want to exist anymore. How terrifying of a place my mind is when not I nor those closest to me can talk me out of.

I’m hopeful for the time being. Being hospitalized was probably necessary for me. I feel different, that’s for sure. I don’t have constant thoughts of wanting to not be alive.

I’ll probably write soon about this new medication I’m taking because despite this dizziness I currently feel, I feel calmer. I feel like a wave.

I should probably use my website for something useful. Maybe someone might find peace knowing they aren’t alone. That’s all I think I can wish for.